Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
