you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm bleeding and have questions
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
