the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
