saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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