Need sex. Gaining weight.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
