Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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