I'm so fucking centered right now
I seem to have left my pride at pride
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
