I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
