i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
