So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
