mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Randomize
