my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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