Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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