I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
