There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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