I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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