There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
