I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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