Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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