I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
