a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
