If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
