When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
