She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
