Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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