i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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