Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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