i think i have two assholes
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I could fuck to npr.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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