I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
