So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
