Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
