My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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