i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
