i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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