Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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