You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
