Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize