I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
