Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
