i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I can't turn off my feet"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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