She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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