My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You need a sexual gate keeper
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
