I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I deserve this hangover.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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