Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
