Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
