Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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