Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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