Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
