last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
