The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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