i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you didnt know i had herpes?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
