It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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