please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Such a big mess for such a small penis
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
