Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
