I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
