I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
