How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She told me I should be a condom model.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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