apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
