Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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