i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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