im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize