Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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