my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
