if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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