Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
