i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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