I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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